Josh was right.
I was wrong.
I’ve been in the middle of yet another existential crisis. I am capable of so much more than THIS. I used to be so much more than THIS. I feel like I’m wasting my time, flailing about, not doing what I’m supposed to be doing — only I don’t even know what I’m supposed to be doing. There’s something I’m not seeing, something I’m just not perceiving correctly. So many things that I want to do and be, but I can’t focus on any one thing long enough to even make a plan. And then I need to go do some more laundry and make dinner, so the thoughts are never fully outlined.
Motherhood has eaten me alive. I am completely in love with my kids, fully dedicated to their well-being and happiness. So much so, in fact, that over the years, I’ve fallen so deeply into motherhood that I’ve been wondering if I will ever find my way back to being myself again. My self has atrophied because I place so much more importance on the children’s needs than on my own. I forgot I had needs at all and became irrelevant to my own life. It’s not frustrating that this happened, but that I LET IT HAPPEN. I did this to myself.
I know that I’m not alone in this. It happens. I need to figure out how to un-do it. I need to figure out where I went, and how to be a person in my own right again, rather than just Mommy.
Honestly, I’m hard-pressed to name things that make me happy, outside of my family. There are things that I used to enjoy… but I’m not sure now. That’s kind of horrifying. Josh tells me to be more selfish and to do at least one thing a week just for me. The prospect makes me feel a little panicky. Eww, pathetic.
One of the things that I know makes me feel alive on every level is yoga. It makes me truly, truly happy. So, I did yoga for a while. Then I quit. I felt guilty spending money on yoga classes– it did not benefit my family. It felt selfish. My dear husband told me to do it anyway, and I stubbornly refused. LO, I HAVE BEEN FOOLISH.
The boys are in school all day now, and since August, I’ve been thinking I might go try out a yoga class. Guilt. Lots of guilt. This is selfish, that money could be better spent, blah blah blah.
So finally, eight months later, I decided that I need to do this. I have taken three yoga classes this week, each one different, and each time I remembered what it felt like to be ME again. I actually cried during the end meditation today, because I just felt… blissfully happy. Happy in a different way than I’ve felt in a while. Awake. Good. Alive.
I have so much work to do still. Lots to figure out. It’s a start, though, and remembering what it feels like to be ME is a good touchstone. Less crazy is good for my family.
Another thing I truly enjoy is being around my friends. Talking. Dancing. Being silly. Eating bacon. Doing nothing. Really, I didn’t used to be this boring. Maybe I will be ten times more awesome if I make it through this.
Ok, I gotta sleep. Lots to do tomorrow, including that whole 100 push-ups thing, because I want to be as svelte as a certain acupuncturist I know. Also, the boys and I are doing some container gardening. We’re gonna get real messy.
