Max’s most favorite teddy bear in the world, CheesePeas, has been missing for close to a month now. I’ve looked *everywhere* but can’t find it. He’s upset and I have some pretty serious mommy-guilt over this. There aren’t that many places it could be– he has only ever left the house a few times with bear in hand!

It’s not like I can just buy him a new one; the bear’s got almost five years of snuggle-wear-and-tear that is irreplacable. Sigh.

Despite the fact that I was in bed at 11pm, I’ve now been up for over an hour feeling anxious, tossing, turning and worrying. Over what? Everything, nothing and all points in between.

I thought writing about it and getting some of it out of my head might help but I’m finding even that is too much. Maybe because I sit down with the computer and remember all of the millions of things that need caught up on, including dozens of unanswered emails. Too much, too much. I’m behind in –everything– and hate this feeling that I’m never going to catch up and just have time to BE.

I bitch and moan too much. I want to let it all go but don’t quite know how to actually do that.

Parenthood seems to have peaks and valleys of difficulty– it’s always tough, just sometimes moreso than others. The past few weeks have been very intense: Khai is growing and changing SO fast, testing boundaries and exploring the depths of my patience. He has pushed, nay, jumped on every button I’ve got. Hopefully this is just a nasty phase at the tail end of the terrible twos and will be all but forgotten within a month… unless it lands me in a mental institution. I’ll relive it over and over and over as I rock back and forth in my white, padded cell.

Katie took me out yesterday so I could escape the madness for a bit. We headed to old downtown Carrollton for lunch and then browsed the shops and antique stores. I loved some of the clothes at Sooz Unique Boutique and definitely will be going back to Scentsations– you can choose your own oil blends for bath & body products.

After several hours, we headed back to the house so that Katie could watch the boys while Josh and I went out to dinner and a movie. Ironically enough, we went right back to Carrollton to eat at Tasty Greek (1906 E Belt Line Rd #A)– YUMMMMEH! We were surprised by this hole-in-the-wall restaurant… it was some of the best Greek food I’ve had. Feeling fat & sassy, we left for the movie. V for Vendetta didn’t impress me much– decent premise, but it felt kind of hollow. It also seemed too long, though Natalie Portman is on my girlcrush list so I won’t complain too much. If I looked that good with a shaved head I’d never have long hair again!

Oh, I almost forgot– on Friday night I made amaretto brownies. They were so, so good. I kind of made it up as I went (experimental cooking at it’s finest, y’all) and so don’t have a recipe to share yet. I’m going to make more soon and am actually planning to measure things and write them down as I go this time.

Khai is having another tantrum. I think my brain is shutting down.

Happy birthday to Jenny and Eiwe, dearest of far-flung friends!

Eight hours of sleep and a triple-grande soy latte have made for a super-productive day. It’s also the first day in over a week that I’ve not had a headache, so of course that makes it easier to deal with life, errands, kids, everything. I even took both boys grocery shopping and made it out alive and in a good mood. Amazing! I should probably buy a lottery ticket– it’s obvious that the stars are aligned in my favor.

Yesterday I wrote about how Josh and I packed up the boys on Friday and went to Shreveport so we could see my Uncle Mike’s photography show. Only, before I posted, I managed to close my browser window– poof! Gone! I was too frustrated to write it all out again, so I went to bed instead. The quick and dirty version: we all enjoyed the show– it had been aaaaaaaages since I’d been in a gallery. I’ve missed that environment. It was neat to see several of Mike’s photos IRL– most of them are on Flickr, but there’s just something about being up-close and personal. The other photographer exhibiting, Charles Goldthwaite, also had some great pictures. We spent some Quality Time with the family– mom and dad flew in from New Mexico– and then headed home on Saturday. The torrential rains magically transformed the four-hour drive into a nearly six-hour drive– really, people, do you have to stop and gawk every time someone pulls to the side of the road? Are you aware that there’s an entire highway behind you? I was a little tense by the time we arrived home. And by a little tense, I mean ready to pick up my house and throw it at the drivers who even dare to slow down to glance at something happening on the roadside. I’m all better now, though, thanks for asking.

Khai is currently wearing only swimming trunks, a joker-style ski hat and gloves. I can’t find the camera. Josh! Where’s the camera?!?!?! Where?!?!?

I need to buy new running shoes. Not that I’ll actually be running, but I will be joining the gym soon. Any recommendations? Brands? Places to buy? I’m excited– two hours of free babysitting per day. Woooohooo!!! Oh yeah, and there’s the part where it’s good for my body, too.

I turn 31 in one week. That’s just strange.

I think it’s hardest to be a parent when you’re sick. Late Monday afternoon my throat and head started hurting, and somehow that progressed to the throbbing, blinding pain and nausea that stayed to play all day Tuesday. My boys were angels, though, and were content to entertain themselves indoors while I curled up in my cave of blankets and pillows on the couch. In fact, they might have enjoyed it a little bit– they got to have lunch at the coffee table in the living room so that I could lie down while they ate. Aside from making their meals and doing a load of dishes, nothing got done. I still feel pretty rough today (nothing like waking up with a mean headache, hmm?) but at least I am able to sit up without wanting to die. The fever broke earlier, though I still don’t understand how my entire body can hurt all at once. This does wonders for my mood!

There are hopes that the Great Sinus Infection of ‘06 will taper off by the end of the day; we pick Josh up at the airport later tonight and it would be nice if he didn’t have to be greeted by a grumpy, snotty, feverish wife.

Josh was digging in the closet, pulling out clothes to pack for his weekly trip to Tulsa. He had navy pants and was looking for a shirt when he paused and said, “I almost grabbed this lighter blue shirt, but I have Michael Kors in my head telling me it’s a little too matchy-matchy.”

Josh! Worried about being too matchy-matchy! This is proof that Project Runway has impacted at least one person.

Team V (team vodka = me an’ Jenny) just won the Scrabble throwdown. Commence the Flying V dance of victory. Tomorrow: impromptu roadtrip to Oklahoma. Woot.

As of today, I unofficially declare myself Queen of the Backroads. Traffic in DFW might make it incredibly slow to get anywhere at times– but at least there are sixteen million other roads that will get you where you need to be, even if you do have to sit through a dozen traffic lights to get there. Thank you, Ms. KT, for a phobulous lunch and for the lesson on noodle etiquette.

We’re going to a new restaurant tomorrow– the Riverwalk Cafe at the Gaylord Texan (yikes?). Max is concerned: how will we get there? I told him we’d look it up on the internet and print some maps. And, oh yes, I pulled a ‘when I was your age’, telling him that when I was a kid, we didn’t have the internet. He was horrified and let out a huge gasp– but how did you get maps? I explained that we had books with maps in them, like our atlas. Oh. I know those books…. I almost expected him to say you poor thing and pat me kindly on the head.

I wish I didn’t have to sleep. Or eat. There are so many things I’d rather spend time doing. This sleep thing is pretty demanding, though, and right now it demands that I close my eyes for many hours so that I can function properly tomorrow.

Hey, Daniel! I thought of you when I saw this– Ted Leo + Pharmacists are playing next week at Gypsy Tea Room. You know which song is going to be in my head for the rest of the day. Yes, that one.

I also really like Me & Mia and Biomusicology, as well as several others available on their site. Yummeh.

My connection keeps dropping today– it’s probably for the best since I should be doing laundry instead.

Reason #4,563,209 not to have more kids: more kids = more potty training. Khai just does NOT want to use the potty– he’s Mr. Independent and will go off by himself, change his own pull-up and clean himself up, refusing my help all the while. He starts preschool in August so I’d like for him to be all trained by then… whether or not he will concur is still up in the air. There’s no forcing this child to do anything. His most-used phrase as of late is, “I DON’T HAVE TO.” Really, he has been an easy two-year-old until the last six weeks or so… I guess he’s been saving up so he could get it all out at once. He throws epic tantrums– over an hour at a time– that put just about all of Max’s tantrums to shame. Where does that leave me? I’m standing my ground, trying to show him that I won’t give in nor be rattled by any of it, lest he get the idea that he can manipulate me with his screaming (his brain-piercing, heart-stopping, window-shattering screaming). It has not been fun.

How is that possibly the same child who randomly crawls up into my lap to say, “you’re my sweet mommy” while he hugs me? He is bipolar, I swear– he’s the most snuggly, cuddly thing when he’s not wailing and thrashing. Even with the fits he’s been throwing, he is growing up so much and his personality is shining– it’s been fun seeing him express himself more. Except for the screaming, he is an awesome kid.

In other news, I was bending over to get something earlier and managed to fall backwards into a door– hard. Tailbone, meet Doorknob. OUCH. It hurts to sit, breathe, move, walk… how cool am I? Envy my grace.