HAPPY BIRTHDAY, RACHEL!
I hope you have a wonderful day. You’re one of my most favorite people in the world, and I feel so fortunate to count you as both my sister AND my friend. I love you! Happy 26th!

I’m a pretty even-tempered person, but I’ve had just about enough tweaky stuff happen with Greymatter lately that I’m ready to throw in the towel and start fresh with WordPress. Yes, it will probably mean a couple of sleepless nights. Yes, I will probably be cursing my decision at some point during install or setup. BUT– if it means I can make comments on my own posts then it will be worth it. Amy, you’re not the only one getting banned: my problem du jour is that GM wants to ban my own IP address when I try to respond to comments on my own site. WTH???

Deana, in response to your last comment- I *do* remember the ice-cream and lawn-chair Main Street extravaganza. Those slumber parties were always fun! I’m surprised your parents kept letting us sleep over– I know we must have been loud! I scanned some pictures from around that time and will email them to you. You will laugh… we were awesome, and SO BORED.

We have to go buy Josh a garment bag with wheels… and a few more pairs of Dockers… and a new belt….and socks…is it sad that even if it’s not for me, I’m excited to go shopping? I don’t get to shop much these days. It’s not nearly as fun when I’m trying to wrangle the kids at the same time.

Max gets to go to the dentist today. I feel lucky that there was a cancellation– this way I get to leave Khai with Josh so I don’t have to wrestle with him for the hour it takes for Max to get his teeth cleaned. I lead an exciting life! Really.

My world is getting ready to change. Josh turned in a resignation letter yesterday, having accepted a new job– a job that requires him to travel throughout the week. He’ll be home on weekends, and will have the occasional week at home, so we’ll still get some family time together. It’s a little bit scary, but in the end I’m just really excited for him and proud that he’s taking the chance. He’s been with his current job for 7.5 years now, and has been unhappy for a while– but it seems that in recent years one is fortunate to have a steady job at all. I think this is going to be a much more fulfilling career for him. OH, and he’s getting paid more, so we can whittle down our debt. That makes me very happy.

I have a feeling my chat client is going to see some heavy use, and that there will be frequent phone calls to my family.

(I’m outside watching the boys play again [better to be outside before the afternoon sun hits… trust me] and I just caught a mosquito in my hand. YEAH! Squish.)

Wow. Josh just called. He got in to work and they decided to let him go today instead of letting him work through his last two weeks. I don’t know what that means. I wonder if he’s getting paid for those two weeks? Freaky.

My pores hate Texas. It’s nothing less than STICKY outside– you don’t have to do anything more than breathe to break a sweat.

I’m sitting outside watching the boys play, and they are impervious to the heat. They don’t even notice it! Was I that way as a child, too? I’m thankful to have a big tree to sit under, because I’d be baked by now if I were in the sun. It’s weird– the part of our yard that’s under the trees won’t grow much grass because of the shade. The other part gets too much sun, and it’s hard to keep it adequately watered. The obvious answer is astroturf.

Max just made a declaration: “When I am an adult, I will work for TWO days and play for FIVE.”

I think he’s on to something here. I’ll remind him of this periodically as he gets older. Kabillionaire in the making? Maybe.

The poor boy is sick– he’s had a low-grade fever, and has slept most of the day. I can’t tell that anything in particular hurts or is wrong, so we’ve just had a slow and easy day.
[crossposted everywhere]

I’m going all fan-girl on Battlestar Galactica– I want to be Starbuck when I grow up. I’m excited because Ron Moore (exec producer) has a weekly podcast for each episode. HI, MY NAME IS ERICA, AND I AM A GEEK. They took Trek away from me, so I have to have a new sci-fi fix.

It’s just Wednesday, and we’ve already got the weekend all planned out. I really think Max has the right idea… two days just isn’t enough time to get all the playing done.

Is it just me, or is the internet sloooooooow today?

One of my Christmas presents from Josh was a carved aventurine turtle pendant. I put it on a black hemp cord, and wore it almost choker-style: it fit nicely in the hollow of my neck. I was wearing it a lot since it seemed to go with everything; one day, I grabbed it as we were getting into the car to go somewhere. I couldn’t get it tied around my neck, so finally gave up and tossed it into my purse. I haven’t been able to find it in the months since. I should have known better than to put it into my purse.

I think I’ll find a new one online and order it. Of course, that almost guarantees that I’ll find the original pendant… but that’s all right. I miss wearing it.

A couple of months ago, I put PhpTiddlyWiki on our server with the hopes of giving Josh and myself a way to track long-term to-do lists and to sync up our short-term projects. I saw GTD TiddlyWiki first, and while I loved the UI, was disappointed to find that it wasn’t meant to run on a server. It’s a single HTML file– portable by thumb drive or even iPod– but doesn’t work so well for multiple users. So, I settled on the less-aesthetically-pleasing PhpTiddlyWiki, and have been generally happy with it.

Today, I was browsing LifeHacker and saw ServerSideWiki! It’s powered by Ruby On Rails and TiddlyWiki– that alone makes me want to scrap PhpTiddlyWiki and start fresh with ServerSideWiki. I like the look, the easy formatting, almost everything (though, I desperately want them to run a spell-checker… I’m so nitpicky). I don’t have time right now to even think about messing with this… but I really want to waste several hours playing with it. My mondo to-do list gets top priority. Sigh.

Last week, we drove up to Robbers Cave State Park in Oklahoma. We were there for just a couple of days, but enjoyed being away from home for a short while. The cabin was comfortable, and having a full kitchen made things easier since it’s sometimes hard to find wheat- and dairy-free foods away from home. The kids loved the paddleboats and the cave, and I loved being in the middle of the rocks and trees.

The best part, though, was during the drive home, when I officially entered the realm of road trip parenthood. I actually said these words: Do I need to pull the car over? You two need to stop hitting each other. At that point, I gasped, realizing what I’d just done.

The kids didn’t stop hitting each other. I didn’t pull the car over (what would I have done even if I did pull over? Juggle sippy cups?). I think Khai fell asleep soon afterwards, which helped the situation immensely.

It’s becoming ever more apparent that I am, indeed, turning into my parents. That’s not such a bad thing… I just need to not lose sight of how I felt as a kid so I can still relate to and empathize with my boys.

Next I’m going to be saying the infamous line, as long as you’re living under my roof…

Oh, motivation, thou art mine enemy.

Sometimes, when there’s something I need to do (but really, really don’t want to do), I can actively loathe it for six times longer than it actually takes to DO whatever it is I’m avoiding. It’s dumb. I’m better about it than I used to be, but case in point: mopping my kitchen floor. I will look at it all day, knowing I will eventually mop it. Dreading the mopping. Avoiding the kitchen so I don’t have to look at the unmoppedness therein.

Hours later, I will just buck up and do it… but why not do it in the first place and save myself all of the mental wallowing?

Having kids has made it a little easier because I’m more conscious of routine than I used to be. I used to resist routine for fear of getting stuck in a rut and losing any possibility of impulsiveness. After reading that children do better with a routine to ground them, I’ve tried to embrace that. We don’t live by the clock (at least not in the summer), but we do pretty much the same things in the same order each day, with room for variance built in. Sticking to the routine makes the day go more smoothly… but I still have my stubborn moments. I know I’m not the only one to do this… but it seems that if I *know* I’m doing it, I should be able to Stop the Madness. The almost-holy 43 Folders has this to say about “cringe-busting” the ol’ to-do list.

Speaking of, there are four million things on my current to-do list and I’ve got to sit down and organize it. So of course I’m writing instead. Heh. I’m also cooking dinner, so it’s not like I’m wasting time, right?

In reading back over the old journal entries on Blogger, it is apparent that I wrote a lot more openly then. I have been subconsciously censoring myself, and I don’t like it. So no more! I’m going to attempt to be less… nicey-nicey and just lay it all out. It’s better therapy that way. For me, anyway.

Today’s happy things are cinnamon-hazelnut coffee and my husband. He can always make me laugh, and I love that about him.

Nostalgia trip ahead! Way back in May of 2000, I used Blogger to publish my ramblings here. In 2001, after deciding I was tired of dealing with a remote server, I installed Greymatter on our server at home. I meant to go back at some point and archive all of my old Blogger posts… but I never got around to it, and eventually forgot that they ever existed at all.

Recently, I found my old Blogger account… and get this: I EVEN REMEMBER MY PASSWORD! Rather than trying to make the Blogger publishing tools play nice with Greymatter (I forsee a huge mess), I made a blogspot account for all of those old posts. So, just for old times’ sake– here they are.

Life was so different before kids. Spontaneous movies, dinner out with friends a few times a week, parties, SLEEPING IN, free time and did I mention parties and sleeping in? It’s almost like looking back at someone else’s life when I compare it to how things are now. What did I do with all of my time???

That reminds me that a friend recently told me “you’ve been through so much, and you are so experienced, yet so open.” My first thought was “WHAT?!? Me?” After thinking a bit, I realized I *have* been through a lot, both good and bad. I’m glad I got to experience so much before signing my life over to these precious boys. Somehow having all of that behind me makes it easier to be in a holding pattern right now– that, and having big plans for the future. I look forward to so many things as Max & Khai get older… but also try to remember to enjoy the here and now. They’re growing up so fast already.

I’ve got to start getting more sleep. My sleep cycles are ALL messed up. I think I’d be better off sleeping 4 or 5 hours like usual and then getting an hour of naptime in the afternoon. I’m not good at napping, though… and getting the boys to be still that long would require strait jackets. Not gonna happen!

Life is saturated lately. Dripping. It seems there’s a lot going on, and while I’m focusing on dozens (if not hundreds) of outward things, my thoughts are also abuzz. Getting back in touch with people from high school has been surreal, in a wonderful sort of way. I think that’s one of the main causes for this massive amount of reflection.

As a child, I was shy– really shy. I didn’t want to answer the teacher in class, I didn’t want to talk to people or call attention to myself. Going unnoticed seemed a much easier way to do things… so that’s what I tried to do. It got a little better as I got older, especially in high school– mostly thanks to sports. I was still terrified, though, and more than anything I didn’t want to stand out. Looking back, I don’t even know what I was so scared of. Scrutiny, maybe– and judgment, definitely. I didn’t want people to notice me, because I might not live up to whatever standard had been set. I might not be good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, fast enough, enough of anything.

Several years later, the perspective has changed. I know now that I don’t need to be scared of being judged because it’s happening every second of every hour of every day. And it doesn’t matter.

I am neither good nor bad, I just am. I don’t need to be afraid of what anyone thinks, because they are subject to the same rules.

From the beginning, I felt different from everyone around me, and it took me a while to realize that ‘different’ isn’t a negative term. I might or might not be different; it doesn’t matter.

The nice part of all this is that I’m not just like everyone else. The hard part is that it makes finding like-minded people a little tougher. I’m fortunate to have some amazing friends who are just as different as I am, whatever that’s worth.

The really sad thing is that I feel like I wasted so much time being locked up in my own self-imposed isolation. I’m *still* learning how to open up to people and not be afraid to rely on others. There’s a lot of rewiring to be done yet.

This evening I got to talk briefly on the phone with three of the people I went to high school with. In doing that, I realized that I spent *years* in close proximity to them, and yet still don’t really know them. There were only 24 other people in my class. 24! How in the world did I manage to stay wrapped up in my own head for so long?

I’m not afraid anymore. Acceptance took a while, but it feels good to be where I am. It’s kind of fun to get to be on this side of things for a change.

Completely unrelated: I’m itching for a site redesign again, though I’m not going to let myself work on it until Morgan’s store is done. It’s too easy to get lost for a week or three in minutiae.

Josh is on vacation this week and I’m sooooooooooo glad to have him at home. Y’know, cuz I like him.

I need a haircut.

Max turns 4 on Thursday.

Khai has a buzzcut… he wanted to be like Max.