I keep finding long grey hairs. They must have been growing quietly, secretly– waiting to show themselves until they were as long as all of the normal hair. HELP. ME.

Just finished Khai’s Halloween costume– he’s going to be a superhero. His red thermal jammies now have a blue cape and a superhero logo on the chest. He’ll probably be wearing a pair of Max’s undies OVER the pants as well, because we’re cruel that way and it will be cute. Max is going to be a lego block, and his costume is *almost* done– it needs one more coat of bright blue spray paint. He’ll be wearing his blue thermal jammies underneath. This year’s Halloween theme is PAJAMAS.

I feel the need to mention that sewing velcro onto anything is a bad, bad, bad idea. The stuff is infuriatingly near-impenetrable. I put the WRONG END OF THE NEEDLE through my thumb trying to sew the velcro on Khai’s superhero cape. My fingers are bruised and bleeding in more than one place. No, I’m not an accomplished seamstress. No, I don’t really know what I’m doing. YES, I’m a little bitter. I tried a thimble and that actually made things worse. End rant.

I’ve started doing yoga again; found a book that Mr. CrackMonkey gave Josh a few years back, and it’s a nice change from the books I’ve been using. I like that it groups poses by position: floor poses, wall poses, chair poses, etc. It’s supposedly for the “flexibly impaired” but I’m able to still get a good workout– I guess that’s one of the nice things about yoga– it’s scalable, as are all good things. Ja?

Speaking of yoga, I should be DOING it instead of WRITING about it.

I miss my family.

The past couple of weeks have been rather wearing. Two weeks ago today I noticed that from the shoulders down, the right side of my body was doing the numb/tingling/burning thing– I’m still waiting to get proper feeling back. It’s disconcerting because after the initial period of whole-body-spaz, only my hands have remained ‘numb’ — I’ve not had a change in symptoms in about two years. For this to hit out of the blue is a little scary. I’m not as scared as I was last time, and at least this go ’round I’m informed going into it. Maybe that’s what makes the difference. I still don’t have a proper diagnosis of MS (you have to have more than one incidence of symptoms), but it’s pretty much just a catch-all umbrella term anyway. It seems they don’t really know much about it, what causes it, nor how to prevent/cure it.

This is why I quit sugar– yeah, sometimes it takes something drastic to make me do even the simplest of things. It has been two weeks now without sugar, and I’m doing well. I’ve only foamed at the mouth twice, and somehow managed not to lick *every* package of Halloween candy at the grocery store.

I’m still somewhat angry about the whole thing, and I know that’s completely useless. There’s that voice inside that insists it’s not fair, followed by the other voice that gently reminds LIFE ISN’T FAIR.

It’s so easy to let myself think it’s all a fluke, that it’s not real– to be an observer rather than a participant in the whole thing. I suppose that’s denial, though even that is half-hearted, because I can feel it (or not feel it, as the case may be). It’s too THERE to deny, too ever-present to pretend it doesn’t affect me.

Anyway, my energy has been okay, all things considered– it’s almost as if my body is using up all of the resources to make my nerves do their little dance. I’m taking some new supplements, and of course am still avoiding wheat and dairy like the plague. I have to remind myself how lucky I am to have avoided medication and to know which foods make my symptoms worse; I’m far better off than many others.

As for now, I’m just ready to be back to normal, even if that means I still have tingly hands. I’m used to that. I can still change a diaper, bathe a baby, type, play itsy-bitsy-spider– all of the important stuff. It’s a good reminder that I am so very, very, incredibly fortunate.

Now I just need to muster up the energy to clean my living room. It looks like a toy factory exploded and we were in the blast zone. I swear that every toy these boys own is currently on the floor– and that’s just a ludicrous number of trains, dinosaurs and plastic hamburgers. Ah well. It will all still be there later, and I’m sure the Clean-Up Song will help the three of us make short work of it. Heh. The boys do help pick up their toys, but Mommy still has to get them motivated.

Okay, I’m done whining.

Today I’m grateful for my family, the amazing 72 degrees that it is outside, bell peppers, crayons, and the giant stock of meals in my deep-freeze.