Today was a better day. Max napped well — he always does when it’s just the two of us. I imagine with less going on, he is just more relaxed.

I spent the first part of the day desperately seeking distraction. I did the dishes from yesterday… thus eradicating the guilt that had been building. Then I took a really long shower (with the water just slightly too hot, as a shower should be), and actually took the time to put on makeup. I wandered aimlessly about the web for a while, and was happy when Max awoke so I’d have something else to do.

Katie came over this afternoon– we had not seen each other since late October or early November! We had a wonderful visit. It was really good to spend time with her and to hear of the ways she is growing. She recently had her reiki initiation and is working on healing herself. I’m so very proud of how far she has come– she made the revelation that only she can ‘fix’ things in her life. That’s a pretty profound realization, in my book. (Note to self: talk with Rachel about reiki initiation, as this is what she has been doing all along, essentially.)

Crackmonkey spent the evening with us, and as always, we gabbed ourselves hoarse. We love the Crackmonkey’s visits. We discuss ideas and things that should be created, as well as ways to improve things already in existence. Josh and Matt always spend a little time in the dark underworld of ubergeekiness, while I nod and pretend that I know what they are talking about (actually I just pick up a few familiar acronyms here and there, while trying to absorb and translate the rest). Reality always shifts just a little bit when the three of us really get going. =)

Today I am reminded that even though I am sad for things that are gone, I am also grateful for the good things in my life. I have wonderful and interesting friends who make my life a more interesting place to live. I am fortunate for that.

A couple of months back, one of Josh’s co-workers gave him a couple of bags of kettle corn– the Orville Reddenbacher microwave variety. We devoured it with reckless abandon, and wished for more. Looky what I found! MightyGirl posted a recipe. MmMmMmM.

I cut Max’s hair this morning for the first time. It was kind of a scary experience for me. I feared making him look like a dork-baby. Tho he’s too cute to look anything but adorable. =) Elmo proved to be a good distraction for Max, and he never noticed a thing. The haircut was a success– he looks sufficiently less shaggy.

Must pack now. Have been avoiding it for too long already. (ignoring things I don’t want to think about)

Earlier today I felt sad and listless. Then anger started creeping in– no target, no trigger, no rational thought behind it. I just feel angry in that chest-burning, flighty, non-directive, self-destructive way that I get sometimes. I resisted the lure of fast food and sodas (the craving to make myself feel worse), though I did stir up a half-batch of cookies and ate them out of the bowl. It did not satisfy me, though it did indeed make me feel worse. Go me. I’ve decided not to feel guilty about it.

My apologies to Josh– he deserves riches and medals and golden lovely things for putting up with me. I get so snippy-evil sometimes. I’m sorry, sweetie.

Bed calls. I need sleep. Lots of sleep. I’m still angry, but the tired is winning out. The kitchen has not been cleaned, but I’ll deal with it tomorrow. I already feel guilty about that, but I’m going to try to ignore it.

Ten days ago, on Valentine’s Day, two cards arrived in the mail– one for Josh and me, and one for Max. They were from my Gram. Ten days ago. Now she is gone.

I feel like I should have been there, like I should have told her more often that I loved her, that I should have told her how glad I was to have her in my life. My heart radiates an ache that catches in my throat and burns in my stomach… and I feel selfish for hurting. I know she is taken care of; she is free.

I don’t know what else to say right now. There are too many thoughts and too many tears. Writing doesn’t help make this better.

Have I ever mentioned that Max enjoys eating tags? Any kind, anywhere. Forget the toys, just give him the tags.

I think he just ate part of a coloring book. He’s getting awfully fast at this scooting thing, and had a coloring book in his mouth before I could pull it away. Now he is tirelessly trying to get to the lighted power button on my computer… he knows it’s there, no matter what obstacles I try to put in between him and the computer. I should probably back everything up, as eventually he WILL achieve his goal. He will most likely push the power button repeatedly, then press his mouth up to it and slobber profusely.

We have a new bed, and a new dishwasher! Many thanks to everyone who gave us money for the ‘bed fund’ as Christmas gifts. We found a bed on sale and had enough left over for the dishwasher. Now we won’t have to wash the dishes before the dishwasher does– we’ll spend all of the saved time napping in the new bed. =)

Max and I are alone today– he is napping, and I hardly know what to do with myself. Of course there is a lot that needs done, just little that I actually want to do. =) I’m good at this game.

Max has been so sick this week– a horrible cough that doesn’t let him sleep much (which, in turn, means that I don’t sleep much either). He has napped most of today so far, perhaps because there is less going on since it’s just the two of us. Hopefully some good rest will help him get well faster.

Happy 29th anniversary Sunday, mom and dad! You’re a wonderful example of what a loving marriage should be. Thank you for everything, and I love you both.

{{popup hangin.jpg hangin 492×372}}Max, just hangin’ out with Elmo.

As usual, the week is a blur, mostly forgotten by now. I guess this is just how life is– remnants of memories of slices of days of activities and words and motions and thoughts.

I remember nothing from the first half of the week. Thursday, Max threw up on Josh. It was MY good karma day, after all. Proof: Stefanie missed a connecting flight in Atlanta, and was sent to DFW for the night. After an entirely too long-and-cruel sit on the runway (we’re talking eons here), we hugged, squealed, and made a spectacle of our giddy selves. We stayed up way too late– a by-product of not seeing each other for years at a time. It was wonderful, and the best reason to sacrifice sleep, IMHO. After four hours of sleep (give or take a half-awake smack to the snooze button or two), we dragged ourselves out into the glorious rush hour traffic so she could be on her way to Albuquerque. She’s got a new niece waiting there to meet her– welcome to Allison Patricia Krantz-Grommes.

Friday was errand day for Max and me, and then Mr. MonkeyMatt came over to let his brain breathe. Max went to bed at 5pm– it was supposed to be a nap, but he just kept sleeping. As one who does not appreciate being awakened unnecessarily, I decided to let him keep snoozing. Josh and Matt geeked until they could no longer think (nearly geeked themselves out, I daresay).

Today we went to Bidhan and Lopa’s place, and the very-pregnant Lopa made a FABULOUS traditional Indian meal for us– I can’t even begin to describe it. Just wow. She’s a wonderful cook. Much talking and merriment ensued. More stuff happened, but I’m getting tired of typing now.

One last thing– Max turned 7 mos old on Thursday. He has proven his baby prowess by picking up cheerios from his high-chair tray and placing them in his own mouth! Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Max can feed himself! He was so proud (tho I think I am beaming more brightly than he is), and has gotten tremendously excited each time he has gotten to re-create this amazing feat. He’s set for baby stardom for sure. Today, cheerios; tomorrow, the world.

Josh was so excited over the little snow flurries we had yesterday– being born and raised in the DFW area, he hasn’t seen much snow in his life. He had me take pictures of the snow ‘clumps’ that were falling early yesterday, as well as the big, wet, slow-floating flakes that fell later in the day. We even had some accumulation on the ground! That is yet another reason to NOT live in Texas: what is childhood without being able to play in snowdrifts, have snowball fights, build snowmen, and protect yourself behind your very own, hand-built snow fort?

The snow will probably all be gone by the end of the day.

Lately, I have delusions of domesticity. I have been sewing large pillows to line the brick fireplace with (so the babies don’t injure themselves), and am currently attempting to sew pants for Max. I could not find a pair of baby jeans for under $8, which I think is a ridiculous price for something that is so small and will be worn for so little time. My solution: I will magically become a decent seamstress and will make pants for the boy. We found some good (yet cheap) fabric and a pattern… now I just need that motherly know-how that is supposed to spring to life any moment now. These may be “at home” pants… you know, the ones that never see the outdoors because they are so decidedly wrong. We shall see.
{{popup hey.JPG hey 307×315}}Max says, “HEY!”