Last week was very stressful. Trying to balance Max and the freelance thing was tough. He sleeps for long stretches at night, so I ended up doing a couple of all-nighters: it was easier that way, believe it or not. Fortunately, I do quite well on little sleep. Perhaps he’s just not old enough yet; he still requires a lot of attention and maintenance. Or maybe it will always be this way… it’s hard to say since I’m inexperienced with such matters.

Rachel visited yesterday; she seemed like her old self again, and that gives me hope that she will return from the depths of wherever she’s been for the past year. For a long while there, I didn’t think things would ever be the same, that she’d be distant and detached forever. I hope life is on the upswing for her… there’s still a lot she has to conquer and deal with, but hopefully the worst is over for now. We had a good time, and it reminded me that she is still one of my best friends, despite the chaos that has clung to her in recent months. I wish we could spend more time together. I wish I’d hugged her more while she was here.

I’m in a pensive mood this evening… nothing is wrong, in particular. I just feel heavy. It’s hard staying home and not ‘contributing.’ I know that taking care of Max is important, and really IS contributing, but not in a financial way. I don’t like not bringing in a paycheck. I don’t like not knowing what will happen in four or five months when money starts getting tight. I don’t like feeling even remotely dependent. I have to figure out a way to balance Max-care with freelance work, and make adequate money doing that. I really only need to make like $20k/year, if that, for us to get by. Seems easy as pie. I’ve got to get that portfolio site up and running. That’s where the focus lies for the next couple of weeks. I need inspiration, devine design blessings from the cosmos, and lots of motivation. And focus. Crackmonkey Matt is right. I have weird focus and stress issues. He nailed it. It’s great to have friends who can point things out to me that I somehow can’t pin down when looking at myself. I dunno why it helps to label it… but somehow, it does.

Applesauce Matt heads off to college this coming Friday. That seems so… weird. Seems like just a couple of years ago that I left for college. Nothing will ever be the same for him. It will all be so much better than anything before… he’s stellar, really. He’s special. He is Going Places, moreso than anyone else I know.

Max gave us his first reactionary smile this morning… Josh tickled his cheek, and Max got sooo excited and a huge grin lit up his face. =)

The big bad lightning ate my computer this weekend. : \ We lost power for over an hour on Saturday, and then had several brown-outs on top of that. Ended up having to reload Windows and some other software… no fun, especially when I’m trying to WORK!

Poor baby Max cried and cried last night… nothing could console him. He was up from 8pm until around 3am this morning, so he’s sleeping like a rock today. He seems fine now– I’m so glad. I hate not knowing how to make him feel better. I was up allll night working on the freelance stuff since he took so much time yesterday. Once I really get going, I hate to stop… somehow it goes more smoothly when done in big chunks. I should sleep, but figure that I’ll sleep better if I don’t nap– seems like napping just knocks my sleep patterns even further out of orbit.

Max will be 6 weeks old this weekend… hard to believe. Speaking of hard to believe, I talked to Laura today! We haven’t talked in soooo long… like since May. I have been thinking about her a lot, and felt like I needed to call her– I just happened to catch her. She sounds good. :) I hope we can meet up at some point so she can see the baby…

And… I have work to do still…the major portion of it is done, though I expect there will be some revisions.

I’m working on my first post-layoff freelance job. :) Money is a good thing to have.

Max was fussssssy earlier in the week, but he’s doing so much better now. I thought I was going to go insane– he was wanting to eat every hour to hour-and-a-half, and that was wearing me out. He slept for 8 hours straight last night! It felt wonderful to sleep…

His little thighs are getting nice and chubby…he’s such a doll.

We have ants. Bah. Tiny little black ones– I think they’re sugar ants. I found lots of tips online for getting rid of them, so hopefully something will work. I’ll call an exterminator if necessary, but I’d rather not spend the money and don’t want those chemicals anywhere near my baby.

Josh is unhappy with his job. It’s secure, though, and that means a lot right now. I just don’t like seeing him so stressed out and depressed. He grew weary of it looong ago. : \ There’s nothing I can do to help, and I hate feeling that way. What sucks is that he’s really good at what he does… I’ve heard him on the phone– he’s good with his customers, and of course is just plain intelligent. I wish he could just go do something he enjoys… if only the money didn’t matter. Sigh.

Pics from Max’s road trip to Kansas and Oklahoma here (with permalink to left).

{{popup maxsunglasses.jpg maxsunglasses 640×480}}Max, basking in his own cuteness.

Home again after a long trip– it’s definitely harder with an infant! It wasn’t too bad, though– just a bit slower than usual. It’s good to be home (even if it is hotter here).

Max developed a rash on his face last week, but it looks sooo much better now. It looked red, painful and itchy, and I felt so bad since he couldn’t scratch it or even tell us if it hurt. : \ He’s been cranky and a little bit fussy lately, but I think he’s just gassy and doesn’t quite understand why it hurts. I read that chocolate can cause gas in breastfed babies, so I’m going to cut chocolate completely out of my diet and see if that helps him. No ice cream, no chocolate… can I keep this up for a year??? I’m going to try….

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