Oooooohhhh, soooooo tired…..It hurts. I need a week of sleep and massages.

We are back from a 4-day weekend in Atlanta. Somehow, the trip was relaxing and exhausting all at once– partly because my stamina is not what it used to be. We did manage to fit 2-hour-plus naps in every day, which was such a wonderful luxury. We had some great food, and spent some time just driving around, taking in the sights. Druid Hills was so beautiful to drive through… the houses and gardens were picture-perfect. I tried to take a few pics, but the car was moving a little fast for that. ;)

The Degas exhibit was still showing at the High Museum, and I’m so glad we caught it… he is one of my favorite artists. I love his ballerinas, and the sketchy quality of his pastel work… I like how he captures the quality of light, and motion, and balance. I don’t think Josh had seen much of his work before, but he seemed to like the bathers most– especially one of the bronze sculptures they had on display.

One of the most impressive things we saw was the skeleton of Argentinosaurus– the largest dinosaur known. It was huge! We couldn’t get it all in one picture, but maybe we can perform some photoshop magic on it. ;) We saw the skeleton at the Fernbank Museum of Natural History– an absolutely beautiful location and building, but I was a bit disappointed in what they’d done with the space. I was left wanting more information, more history… I suppose maybe it’s geared toward kids and their short attention spans.

Stone Mountain was a beautiful park with a giant, exposed granite mound in the middle. It’s over 700ft. to the top, and we took a cable car to get up there. I hope my pictures from up there turn out well— you could even see downtown Atlanta, and it was nearly 20 miles away. We also had funnel cake there, which I must say was a high point. :)

Hopefully I’ll get some pictures posted soon— at least the digital ones. I need to go get the others developed still. Speaking of, I picked up the rest of the wedding pictures… There are a couple in there that are okay, but nothing worth framing. There are lots of other pics to go through still!

Just eleven weeks left until baby Max is due to arrive. I can’t believe how fast it’s going… there is so much to be done still! We have something planned every weekend up until the middle of June— so I’m going to have to find the energy in the evenings to work on the nursery.

I’ve been moody lately… and so, so tired… I’m probably just still coming down from the intensity of the past few weeks. Plus, my body is changing more and more every day… I feel so BIG! The baby has been growing tremendously… I need to take more belly pictures for our digital scrapbook of sorts. Today I feel sad for no good reason, and very tired.

Click here for wedding pictures… the good, the bad, and even the ugly! These are just the digital pics taken with our camera. We still need to pick up the 35mm pics, as well as gather pics from everyone else who took some. I left even the bad ones in here– I’m lazy. :) Will post more when we get ‘em!

I know it’s old, but I just love Moby’s Porcelain from the “Play” album. Even older, and perhaps even better, is Jude’s album “No One is Really Beautiful.” I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of that cd… Josh will destroy it first. :) He doesn’t have the song-repeat tolerance that I have. When I find a song I love, I play it over and over and over and over until it melts into my brain. Uncle Monkey does the same thing, so I know I’m not alone here. Not Josh, though…. once through a cd or song is enough for him! When I first got Tori’s “From the Choirgirl Hotel,” I think I played it for two months straight. Don’t even get me started on “Crash” by DMB. I can *still* set Winamp to ‘repeat’ with that one. If I’ve acquired several new songs/cd’s at once, I’ll play them in rotation until someone screams… how else can I wrap myself around them? I don’t have the neural implants up and running yet…. but when I do, that will be the ultimate music-bonding experience.

I think that’s one of the reasons I like raves— you are in the middle of the music. It’s so loud, and it’s everywhere… it completely surrounds you. Everyone’s caught up in it, whirling and bouncing, living and breathing the music… that’s the way all music should be felt. :) It’s so much better than a concert, because no one cares if you want to move with the music, or stand and enjoy it, or just watch other people enjoy it—it’s much more free. I guess my rave days are mostly over now, though… except for outdoor raves during the day. Too much smoke indoors, and baby Max doesn’t need to be up all night! We shall see. At least Josh can still go! I wonder what baby would think of the music if we went now?

Josh got a raise today! :) Congrats, sweetie…

Today is a day full of meetings… there are so many questions floating around, and everyone is feeling pretty insecure. We’re left wondering how we maintain our current level of production with 30 less people, and how we take over job duties when we don’t even know the details of the jobs. It’s going to be tough. We will make it through, though… the big question is whether or not we’ll make it through with our sanity intact. This current project I’m working on runs through September… that’s a long time to limp along on a skeleton crew. It does, however, increase my chances of being able to work from home a bit after the baby comes. That’s the only silver lining I’ve seen thus far.

*sigh* My company just fired 30 people, including 3 in my office, including my office-mate, Katie. :*( Nobody saw this coming. I guess we didn’t make our numbers again last quarter… It’s quite unsettling– it’s hard to feel secure when things like this keep happening. I’m thankful to still have my job, but can’t seem to quiet that little voice that asks when my turn will be up. So, I’ll be hunting for jobs online to see if I can find anything for Katie… if anyone hears of QA or QC positions in the DFW area (preferably FW), please email!

How can we *not* order one of these for little Max? Actually, I think we’ll order several, in different sizes, so that he’ll always have one that fits. :) (found at copyleft by the ectv)

I did my blood test for gestational diabetes this morning, and I think it will probably ruin orange Crush for me forever. I had to drink a cup of icky, sticky, bubbly orange goop on an empty stomach, wait an hour, and then have my blood drawn. Whee. Dunno when we’ll have results– probably at next week’s dr. appointment.

I’m playing the waiting game at work again— waiting for client comments so that we can start a revision cycle. Hopefully they will come quickly— I’m sleepy, and I’m not doing a very good job of amusing myself. I should fix this poor, broken website— but I’d so much rather just do a total redesign!

Whew. Time to breathe again… the wedding is over, and everything went amazingly well. It was simple and beautiful, and everyone seemed to enjoy themselves. I didn’t even cry! Somehow, I managed to hold it all in. That’s a very good thing, considering that I wasn’t wearing waterproof mascara. ;) I will have to post a picture or two once we’ve got them organized. Speaking of, I need to drop the film off at the photo place…. yes, we did take some traditional 35mm pics along with our digital ones.

I’m still recovering from the weekend… it wore me out! There was a lot going on, and the emotional buildup alone was enough to exhaust me. Fortunately, it’s been a slow day at work, so I’m not stressing about that. It sure seems strange to not have a huge list of things to do… it’s kind of nice. We still have a very busy schedule up until mid-June, but at least now we can focus on preparing for baby.

I have a lot milling about in my head. I’m worried about Rachel. I don’t feel like I should write about it here. I’m not sure I could put it all into words, anyway. It’s a very frustrating situation, and my instinct is to protect her… even when that’s not what needs to be done. She is an adult, and will make her own decisions even when they don’t make sense to anyone else. I just feel like she’s making mistakes without really realizing what she’s doing…and I am going to tell her that…though she probably won’t hear it. I have to tell her, even if only to quiet my own conscious. *sigh*

So…. tomorrow is the wedding. To say that I’m nervous would be an understatement. I think I’m holding things under control fairly well, though…. at least externally. Inwardly, I feel very frazzled. My heart feels like it’s pounding too hard, and too fast. I’m exhausted (thanks to not sleeping much since I wake up and worry). I’m not nervous about Josh, about him being the right one and all of that… I’m nervous about *me*. I’m nervous about messing things up again, about letting myself get too buried again, about getting to that point where surrender is the only option. Again. I know this is a totally different situation, and that circumstances are not even remotely similar to what they were. The fears are still there, though. How long will they linger? They aren’t always this close to the surface… but then I’m not always making huge commitments like this that reminisce of old mistakes.

I guess it comes down to wondering if I’m doing the right thing. I mean, I always try to do the right thing for every situation I’m in—- the trouble is that I so often try to do the right things for everyone else *except* myself. I think this is the right thing for baby, and he definitely comes before me. I think this is the right thing for me, too, but the fear and memories of hurt (for myself and others) keeps me from really knowing for sure. In every situation, there’s a ‘what-if.’ I can’t let myself dwell there for too long. I know that, but knowing things doesn’t make them any easier to deal with–at least in my experience.

There are still wounds that I’m trying to get over. I wouldn’t say they’re open, but they’re not completely healed over… otherwise they wouldn’t still hurt, right? Sometimes I think that they don’t ever go away, and sometimes I think it’s best just to take a running leap at things and hope that I can heal things as I go. Surely I can save new, improved data over those old memories and feelings. Part of me thinks I’m not ready for this. Part of me thinks that ready isn’t really a destination, but kind of a path you follow….adjusting yourself as you go. Maybe.

Maybe I’m just tired and that amplifies the anxiousness.

I am looking forward to tomorrow. This seems like such a morbid and somber post… it’s not. I’m just exhausted. :)

I had a massage today, by a lady who specializes in pre-natal massage… I actually slept. That was wonderful. Everyone has been such a huge help— Josh, Katie, and Jenn have all really taken a lot of weight from my shoulders. They all deserve a HUGE thank you!

Sleep will calm me.