I’m eating a McDonald’s breakfast sandwich (the only things I’ll eat from McD’s are breakfasts, and ice cream), and though I may be quite wrong, I believe that I’m tasting MSG. ??? What???? That’s what it tastes like! There’s this strange sauce on it…. kind of under the egg but on top of the cheese… and now it’s going to haunt me. I may never be able to eat breakfast from McD’s again. I hope my taste buds are just hallucinating.
I cried a lot last night. I think part of it is the emotional weirdness caused by pregnancy hormones, but then sometimes I just need a good cry. I was just feeling lonely and sad and depressed, and I didn’t want to/didn’t know how to talk about it…. so I wrote a lot, and cried in the closet so Josh wouldn’t hear me. He saw me later though, and thought it was because of him. :( It wasn’t. But I feel bad that he thought it was. It was more because of me… but I don’t always know how to share those inside things. It’s like something hurts, but it is nameless, and faceless, and dark— descriptors are few and far between, and there is no easy fix for it. I think time usually makes it feel better. Writing helps me think about it, and of course he’s more than welcome to read everything I write… but for some reason it’s very hard to talk about such things.
Even when I feel like I want to reach out, I don’t feel like I can. I end up isolating myself even more, which probably isn’t healthy…. but old habits die hard. I think I’ve always felt like this. I remember as a kid, wanting to talk to mom or dad, but not feeling like I could. Not because of something they did or didn’t do, or because of their responses, but because I felt like I would be burdening someone else with my problems, that they wouldn’t understand, that I couldn’t make anyone else feel like I did. It’s strange. So I end up folding it all inside of me… some of it I work through and think about, but some of it gets pushed to the corners where the light can’t reach…. that way I can pretend it’s not there.
What worries me is that I don’t want to pass this on to my kids. I don’t want them to not be able to ask for help. I don’t want them to isolate themselves the way I do. I don’t want them to feel like they have to carry everything inside— it’s hard. Does everyone do that? Am I just disillusioned in thinking that this isn’t the way things work? I don’t even know anymore.
Anyway, I am feeling better today… crying usually helps, strangely enough. I still have a lot of thoughts in my head, but they’re not the heavy, depressing things that were there yesterday. I’m kind of in digging mode now… trying to reach in and feel around; trying to identify what’s there and how I can come to terms with it. Maybe I can’t change everything, but I can at least learn to accept it so that I don’t fight it and feel so bad about it. Again, maybe these thoughts are just persisting because of everything happening in my body right now. In any case, it can’t hurt to dig a little bit further into my psyche.
I need to at least redesign my page so that the text field is wider. I know that bugs Josh a lot. Well, that and not being able to respond to my posts. I thought there was some sort of capability that allowed people to respond…. I saw it up on Evhead one day. Haven’t seen a word about it since then. Hmm. A bulletin board would be ok, but I just haven’t gotten around to implementing one. Yeah.