“Stars don’t come to you; you have to reach for them.” ~~ a random fortune from a long-forgotten fortune cookie, found upon my desk while unpacking. I don’t have to move offices again! It looks like I’m in this one to stay. :) Katie and I have a bigger office now, and my back isn’t to the door (more importantly, we’re not right off of the main reception area). We like it soooo much better… and of course having more room means having a bigger desk– also a bonus. Now I need more stuff! No, not really— I didn’t realize how much stuff I’d accumulated over past months until I had to box it up and move it all…. bleh! I’m glad they’re going to let me stay here. I know Chris and I would have been fine as office-mates, but I think it’s silly to put designers in the same office just for the sake of having them in the same office. Plus, moving twice wasn’t exactly appealing to me….

Tasty food of the day: potato salad! MMMMMM! I’m really full. I hope I have this nausea thing kicked…. maybe now that work has calmed down, it will be gone for good. :) Time to go home…. trying to decide if I’m up to battling the mall crowd or not. I think a cozy nap on the couch will likely win out instead.

Today is the first day in a long time that I’ve actually felt good. It’s nice for a change. :) I was only sick from like 3 to 5am this morning, although I slept til 8:30 anyway. While in the shower, I realized (yes, yes, it’s a good time for deep thinking) that last night I didn’t dream about work. Maybe that’s why I feel better…. For months now I have had nightmares every night about work– about something not getting done on time, or a pop-up that won’t work, or a graphic that loads too slowly and I can’t optimize it— it’s sick, really. Anyway, it’s 2pm, and I’m finished with all of my work for the day. YAY! So, I’ve taken advantage of NOT feeling sick, and I’ve actually eaten two meals today. And, I may leave early and go do Christmas shopping…. I don’t know yet. hehehe

Tomorrow is my first doctor’s appointment, and I am having strange and irrational fears. I guess I’m just nervous. There are fears of something being wrong, fears of a tubal pregnancy, fears of not really being pregnant at all (and just having a case of extreme hormonal weirdness to blame for all of this). At this point, I’m just ready to get to the doctor and get the exam over with so that all of these dark thoughts will leave my head! Josh is going with me, and I’m so glad…. it will be nice to have someone there to hold my hand, as well as another brain to absorb information and ask the questions that I forget to ask. Plus, I just want him to feel like this is really an “us” thing all the way around, not a “me” thing.

He has been wonderful, by the way. I’m lucky to have someone who is so caring, and so willing to do the little things that help me cope right now. He always knows when to say, “things are going to be all right.”

We talked with a lender last night to get the ball rolling so we can buy a house… that seemed to go really well. Each of us qualifies to buy the house on our own, so with our resources pooled, there’s going to be no problem in getting a loan. Right now we’re just trying to manage the timing— it’s a delicate balance with our lease running out so soon. Something will work out, one way or another…

I’m worried about Matt. He seems to be stuck in a bit of a self-analytical loop right now, and has just seemed rather pensive in general. He’s talking about moving to Austin and buying a house, going back to school, etc….. all good things, but it just seems like he’s pushing himself so hard to get to the next step… the next level… to achieve more, do more, be more. Admirable, I suppose, but I want him to be able to stop and appreciate things as they are sometimes, too. Otherwise, no matter how far and how hard he pushes himself, he won’t be able to realize that he’s successful or happy. Anyway… I know he’s more than self-sufficient, and completely capable of whatever he puts his mind to (and then some!), but I guess I just have to worry a bit because I care. ;)

I’m so sick of hearing about this election stuff! Just concede and get it over with already! That, or maybe someone new needs to come in and boot them all out and just take over. Harumph.

My business cards came in today! Whee! I feel like a real employee now. Heh— I’ve only been here a year….

OH— I also found out today that my company has no maternity leave whatsoever. They are putting something in place that allows you to use short-term disability (aka 60% of a weeks’ salary, tax-free) for up to 12 weeks, and pregnancy just happens to count as a short-term disability. However, the catch is that you have to become pregnant AFTER Jan 1, 2001, or it’s considered a pre-existing condition. Basically, it does me no good whatsoever. That SUCKS! Josh has like 6 weeks paternity leave, but he doesn’t think his mangler will let him have it. So… that leaves us saving up every penny we can so that I can stay home at least a little while…. I will have about a week of sick time, and maybe a week of vacation…. but anything over that is going to be alllll without pay. Maybe my boss will let me work from home part-time or something…. who knows. Again, something will work out.

I think I’m going to go hunt down some of that potato salad I had earlier….. mmmm, it’s so nice to be able to eat again…. =)

Wow, what a week. :) It’s been a whirlwind, to say the least. Between work stuff and personal stuff, and holidays and family, my head is still spinning.

Thanksgiving dinner was good… it is neat to meet Josh’s extended family and see how they interact… to get kind of a glimpse of what he’s grown up with and the people who have influenced him in one way or another.

I missed my family– it’s hard not being with them on holidays, even though I feel like I am old enough to be past that now. I don’t know if that means I’m a wimp, or sentimental, or too attached, or what…. but I don’t care. I love my family, and I want to be able to spend time with them; especially during the holidays.

This was a special holiday, and even though I didn’t get to tell everyone the good news in person, I could hear them smiling over the phone. =) Josh and I are pregnant! I waver between shock/disbelief and excitement/giddiness. I bought several books today… it’s amazing how uneducated I suddenly feel. I don’t suppose this is something you’re ever *really* prepared for…. but I’m still going to get my hands on as much info as I can. There are so many things running through my mind… so many questions. We’ve got a lot to figure out in the next few months.

I suppose foremost on the list are getting ourselves healthy (Josh included!!!), and finding someplace to live. The lease runs out in just another month, and even though we’re looking to buy a house, there’s no way that will get done in this short time frame. We may have to move into an apartment on a 3-month lease, then move again after closing on a house. It’s a pain to move twice (especially in a few more months when I’m going to be twice as big!), but it will end up being cheaper than going month-to-month in the current house. We’ll figure something out…. we always do. :)

It’s all so overwhelming…. I guess there are just so many things to think about and consider… like marriage, and job questions, and Illinois (yes, Illinois! Josh has a potential job opp there making $80-90k. That’s just a whole new can o’ worms…). Underlying it all, though, we are happy, and excited. Somewhat nervous, too…. but mostly just happy. :)

This project is finally winding down at work…. the past few months have really been rough. I’ve worked a lot of overtime, and I’m even working in my sleep– I dream about this stuff! I’m ready for it to be over. Hopefully phase 2 will be much slower, much more planned. This has been an experiment in chaos. I guess in the end, everything has turned out all right, but so many of us are teetering on the edge of burnout… and that taints everything, not just this project. I guess all we can do is keep going… and slowly re-adjust to things as they return to normal, whatever that is.

I’m glad Christmas is almost here… even though I’ve not even thought about shopping yet. That’ll get handled too… eventually. It’s going to have to be small this year… we have so much to save for. I know everyone will understand, but of course I want to give every person I care for a palace and a horse-drawn carriage, and a new silk wardrobe, and sacks of gold…. Token gifts will have to suffice this year. Maybe I can dole out the palaces next year!

I think I should keep a pregnancy journal, too…. just to keep track of the changes in my body and the way I feel…. it might make an interesting read later on. Or maybe it will be just disgusting and full of complaints…. hehe. It’s a thought, anyway. It would be even more fun if both Josh and I had authoring permissions so he can write his thoughts and observances, too…. “Erica sure is grumpy today… she just gets meaner and meaner…. I fear for my life…” *grin*

EEEEK!!! I’m gonna have a baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Things have been unbelievably busy. And OH, the head noise that results…. I guess I’ve just been so busy that I don’t have time to keep myself sane, and I get a little tweaky. Haven’t been able to eat, haven’t been able to sleep, depression, just a lot of self-doubt in general. Weird. Maybe it’s just how I let the stress out… I’m not sure. I don’t really let it out any other way, and I can only take so much…. so maybe it manifests itself this way. Having a crying fit exhausts me just enough to feel a little better afterwards. ;)

I can’t believe that Thanksgiving is already this week…. seems like time has just zooooomed by. I’m not even up for celebrating, which is strange. Holidays have always been special to me. I guess it’s just too much to deal with. I’m also not seeing my family, which also makes me sad— maybe that’s why I’m not looking forward to it. At least I’ll see them at Christmas.

I shouldn’t write anymore. I’m feeling sad and lonely, and am basically just a giant sack of self-pity. Bleh. I hate that. I won’t subject my poor blog to this any longer.

Feeling a little better today… less stress, anyway. ;) Slept in way too late, and thus not only didn’t get the massage I’d planned on (well, I also didn’t get the appt made, so…), but also missed a lunch date with one of Josh’s high school pals. We did go apartment/house/duplex hunting, and that was fun. We found several houses for Josh to call about, but since we got such a late start, we only got a couple hours in before it was dark. I found a couple of apartment complexes that might be affordable, but I don’t know that I would actually feel safe there. I guess it’s a trade off… I may end up just paying more than I’d like. In reality, I could pay $600 or $700 a month with no problem, but that means that I’m only making barely-above-minimum payments on my credit cards. I’d really like to get those paid off next year, which I can do if I find someplace to live for $400-$500 a month. I guess I will just have to wait and see!

We drove by one house for sale in an historic neighborhood near Ft. Worth that I absolutely fell in LOVE with. I love this house so much that I would even forgo the living-on-my-own experiment if Josh and I could afford to buy it. It’s brick, has a detached garage, a nice yard with trees, a little driveway… and this neighborhood is filled with such beautiful houses… oh, I’m just in love. We have to call about it tomorrow…. I would guess it’s from the 30’s, but since I don’t know architecture styles nor the area’s history very well, I may be way off on that. ;) I want that house!!!!!!!

Josh and I are going to go create a beautiful mosaic sundial now… :) We’ve been meaning to for a while now and just haven’t done it….time to play! I bet it’s gonna be messy.

Don’t read this unless you happen to like complaints. I’m tired. I’m depressed. I have horrible cramps. I have eaten too much sugar this week, and it makes me cranky and makes my eyes hurt. I’m broke. I have to find a place to move into at the end of next month, and since it’s such a weird time to move, there aren’t many openings. Bleh. PV ON EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!