It happens. *twitch* Although, Comic Sans is far worse, and I’ve had to talk more than one client out of using that font. Some people really, really like it, which makes me cry a little bit. I don’t get it.

Those people on the internet who said they used a wire brush to remove grout from their tile were either lying or have a very different type of grout. I’ve spent a fair amount of quality time with the Dremel on the bathroom floor, and it’s taking WAY too long. It gives me kind of a sick satisfaction to see tile after tile freed from the grout gone wrong, though. About four more hours and I’ll be done… makes me wonder if a sledgehammer and a complete re-tile would make more sense than just re-grouting.

The local public schools are out this week due to Swine!Flu! and so the neighborhood kids have been ringing my doorbell at least once an hour to see if Max & Khai are home yet. I keep explaining that their school didn’t get shut down (yay, private school!!) but that they will be home a little after 3:00. So now they are ringing the doorbell to ask me what time it is. Is it three yet? When will it be three? I’m glad the boys have so many friends in the neighborhood. Wish they all had watches. :)

My parents get home from their whirlwind tour of Italy and England on Friday… I can’t wait to hear their stories and see the pictures! Also, I look forward to not compulsively figuring what time it is in that part of the world every time I look at a clock.

Things I like: xkcd, this way too expensive hoodie from Prairie Underground, the Dremel, and my husband. We’ve been together TEN YEARS as of tomorrow. Mind-boggling.

Max wants to dive into programming. Any suggestions on where he should start? Is BASIC too… well, basic, these days? He has been using Scratch for almost two years now, but mostly for simple animations and little movies. Should I help him find more complicated tutorials to move forward in that direction? Help me, nerd-friends. You’re my only hope.

P.S. It’s a gorgeous day! Get outside and into the sun as fast as you can!

Poor Josh got no dinner tonight. Despite making extra casserole, there was none left after Max’s five helpings and Khai’s respective three helpings. I got one helping. Where do they put it all? They are so skinny! Seriously, how will I feed them once they are in junior high? I guess this will teach Josh to come home late– you snooze, you lose.

There are finally some pics up of our trip to Portland! There are SO many more, but yeah, my attention wanes. Some of the best:

There are more on flickr…

It is a beautiful day outside. Sunshine, I missed you.

Yoga class this morning was tough, and I’ll feel it tomorrow. I like that.

The kids have been out of school for spring break all week; to celebrate the time off, we were in Portland for five days visiting Matt & Jenny. Lots of Scrabble, the beach, good food, good company, waterfalls… it went too quickly. I have nearly 600 photos that I’m trying to pare down– a few of them are actually post-worthy!

Tonight is the last two hours of Battlestar Galactica, and while I am -so- excited to see how they wrap it up, I am also really sad it’s ending. I don’t think I’ve ever gone fangirl to this degree. Yes, I know it’s a tv show. I love it anyway. I’m probably going to cry a lot. (Dear Justin: HUSH, I know, I know.)

I should do some housework, but productivity seems SO OVERRATED. Especially when there is the entire internet at my fingertips…

Josh was right.

I was wrong.

I’ve been in the middle of yet another existential crisis. I am capable of so much more than THIS. I used to be so much more than THIS. I feel like I’m wasting my time, flailing about, not doing what I’m supposed to be doing — only I don’t even know what I’m supposed to be doing. There’s something I’m not seeing, something I’m just not perceiving correctly. So many things that I want to do and be, but I can’t focus on any one thing long enough to even make a plan. And then I need to go do some more laundry and make dinner, so the thoughts are never fully outlined.

Motherhood has eaten me alive. I am completely in love with my kids, fully dedicated to their well-being and happiness. So much so, in fact, that over the years, I’ve fallen so deeply into motherhood that I’ve been wondering if I will ever find my way back to being myself again. My self has atrophied because I place so much more importance on the children’s needs than on my own. I forgot I had needs at all and became irrelevant to my own life. It’s not frustrating that this happened, but that I LET IT HAPPEN. I did this to myself.

I know that I’m not alone in this. It happens. I need to figure out how to un-do it. I need to figure out where I went, and how to be a person in my own right again, rather than just Mommy.

Honestly, I’m hard-pressed to name things that make me happy, outside of my family. There are things that I used to enjoy… but I’m not sure now. That’s kind of horrifying. Josh tells me to be more selfish and to do at least one thing a week just for me. The prospect makes me feel a little panicky. Eww, pathetic.

One of the things that I know makes me feel alive on every level is yoga. It makes me truly, truly happy. So, I did yoga for a while. Then I quit. I felt guilty spending money on yoga classes– it did not benefit my family. It felt selfish. My dear husband told me to do it anyway, and I stubbornly refused. LO, I HAVE BEEN FOOLISH.

The boys are in school all day now, and since August, I’ve been thinking I might go try out a yoga class. Guilt. Lots of guilt. This is selfish, that money could be better spent, blah blah blah.

So finally, eight months later, I decided that I need to do this. I have taken three yoga classes this week, each one different, and each time I remembered what it felt like to be ME again. I actually cried during the end meditation today, because I just felt… blissfully happy. Happy in a different way than I’ve felt in a while. Awake. Good. Alive.

I have so much work to do still. Lots to figure out. It’s a start, though, and remembering what it feels like to be ME is a good touchstone. Less crazy is good for my family.

Another thing I truly enjoy is being around my friends. Talking. Dancing. Being silly. Eating bacon. Doing nothing. Really, I didn’t used to be this boring. Maybe I will be ten times more awesome if I make it through this.

Ok, I gotta sleep. Lots to do tomorrow, including that whole 100 push-ups thing, because I want to be as svelte as a certain acupuncturist I know. Also, the boys and I are doing some container gardening. We’re gonna get real messy.

It’s 2:30am! I have been lying in bed, listening to the rain fall outside. Coughing. A lot. Tossing. Turning. Not sleeping. Coughing some more. The kids will be up in about 3.5 hours. I’ve not had caffeine in over two weeks now, but that’s obviously not helping the insomnia.

This weekend, Josh and I watched Creation of the Humanoids, a 1962 sci-fi movie that meshes nicely with many of the ideas that Battlestar Galactica has put into my head. It’s not high-budget, by any means, but the point gets across. I recommend it. Warning: there is a groan-inducing love-struck fluttering-eyelashes-and-swooning female character that might cause vomiting.

Another interesting movie is The Fall. This one would’ve been great to see in a theater– beautiful scenery, deeply saturated colors, impressive wide-angle shots. It was pleasantly quirky. Crackmonkey, you will like this one.

I’m going to go lie in bed and try not to think or cough or thrash about.

One of the fun things about Josh working out of town so much is that the kids are ready to celebrate every week when he comes home. Dad’s coming home tonight! We should have a party!

Khai doesn’t understand why I won’t make a cake for Daddy, nor why I didn’t make him a cake last week when he came home. We’ll likely have the same discussion next week. He probably thinks I’m off my rocker, that I just don’t GET IT. When you celebrate, you eat cake.

p.s. I do love cake. The problem with cake is that we eat it. And we do not all have the children’s metabolism. Sigh. LIFE IS SO UNFAIR.

Family photo 2008:

Mustaches FTW!

We did take a non-mustache picture, too:

My husband is teh awesome. One of our cars has been dead for ~3 weeks, and all attempts to jump it/start it/revive it have been futile. He bought a book, spent about two hours getting messy under the hood, and now it works. YAY!

I started out 2009 being sick, but I figure things can only get better. I hope everyone else had a better NYE than I did!